First Loves

             Last summer Tasha was more excited then usual that we were going to the beach. She declared to her sister and I that she was going to find a boyfriend. In the last few months she notice boys were noticing her. In reality she was a soon to be fifteen year old. I just always take what she says with a grain of salt she tends to say a lot of random things. We were at the beach for about a hour and I decided to walk down the pier  to check on the kids. Shock came over me when I saw Tasha holding hands with a boy. Talk about love at first sight they were stuck to each other sides. When we left he got her phone number. Then she waited and waited for him to call. The wait seemed like forever to her but in actuality it was only twenty-four hours. She was so excited and from that point forward they were in a committed relationship. The great part about this relationship is there distance. He lives three hours away. This would be hard for most average teens but not for them. This is also a parents dream. She can have a committed relationship without physical contact. This may seem mean but she is only fifteen.
             Two months later I had a appointment with her B.R.A.I.N doctor. I explained to him there relationship compared to her twin sisters relationship. He explained to me Tasha is wired differently. She woke up that day destined to find a boyfriend. To most this would seem like a strange request. She went out and did it. She had a goal and she reached it. The difference between her twin is Natalie met a boy and developed a relationship. Tasha jumped off a wall or pier and feel in love. Natalie is rational and age appropriate Tasha is not. This topic lead us to major discussions about the twins.
            This is the moment I realize Tasha can really make things happen. When she left middle school she believe in high school everyone would be nice and mature. I can only but snicker at this knowing my experiences. She walked in with that attitude and high school has been 100 times better then middle school. It seems that Tasha makes her own destiny. It makes me wonder is anything possible for her.

The Final Evaluation

              After months of test it was over. I had know ides what to expect after the last meeting. Was he going to vilified how I felt all these year. Was he going to say I have been overreacting all along. I have been pushing this horrible diagnosis on her. My husband and I both decided to go. We are a team and we raise her together. The doctor is not your typical uptight practitioner. He is very open and honest, but really knows his stuff. He first explained her IQ test. Some areas she tested higher then he thought she would. Over all she tested mid sixties. Again this was not a shock. In school she reads at a 2nd grade level. She also has a 2nd grade comprehension. Then he got into the interesting stuff. She had to make a pattern design with blocks. Most people would set it on the table and move them around. She set them up on top of each other. This was so interesting to me. She did figure our the puzzle this way. The doctor was shocks in all his years he never witnessed anything like this.
              The next test was ink blots. In some of the more obvious ones she saw a wolf. Then she kept going on he says he could barely keep up. She said the wolf is licking his lips. Red flag went up she is identifying more with this picture then with people. If he said banana she would say. "I don't like bananas." If he said dance. "She would say I danced at homecoming last fall." This was clear to me and now to him. The world revolves around her. This is why it is hard to find friend. This is why her and her twin will never relate to each other. Towards the end of our meeting he was saving the big on till the end. The final two tests he did. Made him do a 360 from where he was at one month ago.
               Both of the tests were similar they were pretty much cross checking each other. The big one was the psychosis test.. Proving once and for all I have not been crazy at all. My mother could not and probably would not ever accept the results. That is okay she is older and I can't change her thinking. On the psychosis scale she tested 90%. Which was very disheartening to see that in black and white. I knew all along she was dangerous she was a threat. Now I had proof these were some of the most sophisticated test that could be done. In the doctors final report. He said those words. He made it clear that he rarely would ever give a teen this diagnosis but he had no choice. She has been diagnosed in her lifetime with six different mental illnesses. Honestly I would take any of those over schizophrenia. Because in society people see that as the worst. The big one. Sadly it has a unjust reputation for being dangerous. She was dangerous however most people with schizophrenia are more likely to harm themselves then others.
               I am not here to just focus on the negative. When I say she "was dangerous." That is true her meds have been a miracle worker for her symptoms. She has no hallucinations or scary tendencies. The doctor believe without a doubt if not for meds she would be a danger to society. Her narcissism is so bad she really does not have a conscious or remember about consequences. I believe if not for her meds she would be homicidal. Believe me that is a though thing to say, however is is the complete truth. The facts are Tasha may live with us forever. That is a fact I had to learn how to accept that. She will have a job someday. She will get a high school completion certificate. Her illness will test her limits and ours. Everyday we start out fresh with her everyday we all gets a new beginning. No matter what happened the day, week, or month before. Everyday is a new challenge and the fight continues. Giving up is not a option.

Let The Testing Begin

                 Later in the summer the testing began. I didn't know what to expect. Were they going to observe her behaviors. Were they going to take her off meds. I had a lot of questions going through my head. I first met with the doctor alone. He wanted my perspective on her first. I explained everything from the past to the present. Then he told me he would never take her off meds. In his words " That would be a amazing thing to see her off meds from a doctors perspective." Then he explained that would not benefit her and it would be torture for her to do that. My main issue was how can he really test her without seeing her at her worst. I soon was going to get the answers to that.
               The first day she met with him he told me pick her up in two hours. I was actually leaving her alone this was the first. I always have to interpret her word for every doctor before. She was articulate, however she had her own type of language. We called it Tasha language. I picked her up in two hours and she didn't say much because her memory is quite bad. Two months late and three visits later. He said he was done with the tests and it was time for us to meet.
               I really didn't know what to expect from him. He explained to me all of the test she did. He clearly agreed she had a severe learning disability. Though he was not convince she was schizophrenic. My first reaction was here we go again. I tried my best to keep a open mind. I kept telling myself he is the expert he will help me. As a parent that has seen her at her worst. Part of me was not willing to accept his decision. Just like all of the other doctors and social workers before have said. "I have never seen anyone like her before." So by the end of the appointment I explained to him. She is terrified of mirror, spots, and knives. I also explained how terrified the social worked that interviewed her years ago was. He clearly believed she was a danger to others and herself. I begged him to dig deeper. He came to the decision that he was ready to do two more tests on her. These were the ones that would give us all of the answers. So she went in for two more rounds of intense testing. She is not able to read. So he had to ask her every question. Which took a very long time. I have the up most respect for him. For not just closing her case, and really fighting for her also.

A New Start

            After all of the new hoops the doctors made us jump through. Life became more of a question mark. Does she or doesn't she have schizophrenia. I really didn't want her labeled, however dealing with this illness seemed easier with a diagnosis. Her new doctor I came to find out was only going to see her once before he retired. So after he left back to the drawing board. He was a very smart and informative doctor. I really like him. He was throwing around the idea that she may have asburgers. Autism seemed like a very big stretch. I was up far any new input I could get. So lucky before he retired he recommended that she would get major brain tests done. She was able to get them done for free because our county received a grant for this. She was chosen and within 2 months she went though very intense testing. I will come back to this a bit later.
            After the office called in a  prescription for her. We found out the office messed up her prescription fill. She had to go two whole days without meds. This was a nightmare of what she would be like if she never went on meds. She went through typical withdraw symptoms. She was shaking all the time. Her anxiety level was through the roof. By the second day all of her hallucination were back. She saw black spots again and spiders in her shoes. This was summer time at least so I could keep her inside. Then the day I filled her prescription within hours she was back to her usual self. That was the day I was convince without a doubt she has schizophrenia. Now it was time to go through all the major tests to prove it.