The next two years all just seemed to melt together. We were able eight months after the diagnosis to finally accept it. I again through myself into research. I read clinical books. Life stories of family members of people that had this illness.and also people that had schizophrenia. The more I read the more I saw my daughter in them. Most books were about adults and there struggles. Which was frustrating because know one was writing about adolescents. I know why that is now because no one wants to diagnose a child with such a scary illness. We continued to go to the same doctor for two years that first diagnosed her. We would walk in not say much and walk out with another 3 months of Geodon. I even started to question this because she had no visions no serious symptoms. She had a temper that was over the top. We learned to manage that the best we could.
This was the years her twin Natalie felt very isolated. She felt all of the attention was on her sister. We lived life walking on egg shells to please her sister. I did as much as I could at the time to make her sister feel special. We went shopping weekly and would have Mommy and Daughter days. Looking back I probably was trying to by her love. Unfortunately Natalie became very spoiled and felt she deserved things and didn't have to earn them. At the time I had a high paying job my husband stayed home. I was able to give the girls what ever they wanted. I felt like a human ATM machine.
This was also the time the twins father came back into there lives after being gone eleven years. My goal of letting him back was I felt he could understand Natasha. In the time I knew him I saw her in him. I felt she may really find a friend in him. At first it seemed to be going great, however he would only communicate with her via email. She was stuck in second grade reading level this was hard and frustrating for her. He pushed her so hard to be "normal" she cracked. The one time they met she became scared of him because he had no issue making her cry to though en her up.
The twin reunion with him lasted one year. In this time he attempted suicide and blamed me for trying to help him even though I was the one person he called during his attempt. He would never admit the kids were his. Regardless of a blood test we took when they were young. Natalie still had a need to see him so I let her go there for a month. What she described was completely a adult version of her sister. I believed he believed in his mind that they weren't his, that I was trying to get him back, and the worst of all he murdered three people. I knew from that point on he was dangerous and delusional and medicated him self with drugs. All ties were cut on that relationship. He did email Natalie once in a while asking when she was ready to start a knew life with him. Which was odd since she live her whole life with me. The twins have a half brother who they loved, however they knew to keep there sanity they had to just put hope in that they will see him some day again.
In those two years Tasha also had a boyfriend who she dated for one year. He was also in special education and said he accepted her chap stick in all. This ended when he tried to touch her chest she freaked out and dumped him. Her morals are a major part of her life which is a advantage when you fight this illness. She had fall outs more then normal with her friend because socially she only wanted to do what she wanted.
One of the down falls of meds is you may loose your passions. My daughter loved art her entire room was painted how ever she wanted it at the time. By the time she left her treatment center it was lost. She stilled liked it but never got her passion back. I love this quote from her doctor "If there was Geodon back then there would never be a Mozart of Picasso." This is so true the drug takes away those inhibitions and passions. It is sad however I would never take her off she is a dangerous person off them. My only hope is that she can find her way back because she is talented and has won awards in middle school for her art and has had it showcased. These days her walls are white again and crowded with the latest tween celebrity pics. No, more bright yellow sun coming up over her bed. No, more flowers that seemed to stretch over the base of her ceiling. I remember her room from top to bottom it was full of art. Just like her door at the treatment center. When she left treatment she took them off her door and threw them away just like her passions.
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